I finally get a reply from David and this is all it says. Come on David! You are not up to the usual standard of scammers that I am used to. Where are the pleas for money? The tall tales of being arrested or needing money for documentation? Tut tut David, poor show.
am fine and doing Good and you as well and i hope you have great and
lovely time over there...How do you spend your weekend if you don't
mind??stay cool kiss and hug
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Hmmm, not heard from David for a while so I thought I had better drop him a quick message to show some interest in him. I wonder if he is upset that I accused him of being a drunk?
My dearest David.
Is everything ok? I haven't heard from you in a while and I am concerned about you.
I hope I didn't upset you by insinuating in my last email that you may have been drunk. That was not my intention.
Please email me back soon. I know we haven't known each other that long but I have a good feeling about this relationship. You seem such a lovely, honest and decent man and I really want to get to know you better.
Please email me back soon.
All my love
Jenny x x x x
My dearest David.
Is everything ok? I haven't heard from you in a while and I am concerned about you.
I hope I didn't upset you by insinuating in my last email that you may have been drunk. That was not my intention.
Please email me back soon. I know we haven't known each other that long but I have a good feeling about this relationship. You seem such a lovely, honest and decent man and I really want to get to know you better.
Please email me back soon.
All my love
Jenny x x x x
Tuesday 21 August 2012
Death by alcohol - a reply to David.
After David's last abysmal email, it seemed rude not to mention how bad it was. I wonder if his next one will be any better? It will be interesting to see if he answers my questions about the 'case', the 'competition' and the 'honey'.
Dearest David
Thank you for your email. I have to admit to finding it pretty hard to decipher as for some reason, your use of the English language was rather dreadful. I am sorry to have to ask you this but were you drunk when you sent it? Please don't take offence at that question but it is very important that I know. I shall now explain why.
You know I am a widow David. Well now seems an appropriate time to explain all about my husbands untimely death. Myself and Horatio had been married for a blissful 15 years. He was the love of my life. We met whilst at the international Walnut carving championships which that year was held in Scotland. He had entered a magnificent miniature of Larry Grayson and I, a wondrous and intricately carved likeness of Les Dawson. We were the talk of the competition and in a never seen before turn of events we were granted joint first place. Oh the joys! Our love blossomed during joint photo shoots and interviews for the Walnut Carvers Review magazine. Happy days indeed David.
Horatio and I quickly knew we were meant to be together and 3 short months later, we married in Fletching Cathedral surrounded by our families and friends. It was a grand affair and we made the front cover of the W.C.R magazine. One of our fellow carvers even made miniatures of us. He did have to use a coconut shell for Horatio as he was a rather portly fellow and simply wouldn't fit on a walnut. Still, it was rather fortuitous as Horatio was excessively hairy.
Anyway, I digress.
We had 15 years of wedded bliss David, 15 years. Most couples these days don't even last 15 months so I consider myself very lucky indeed. Every year on our anniversary, we returned to Scotland to celebrate our love in the place we first met. This one particular night we had been out for a walk in the moonlight and had stopped to observe some local doggers. To this day I don't know how they avoid serious injury from the gear stick. Anyway, after a quickie in the woods, we set off walking back to the hotel. It was quite a walk up a rather steep hill and Horatio was soon out of breath.
In the distance, near the top of the hill we could see some flashing lights and it looked as if someone had broken down. As we got closer, we could see some kind of commotion going on. It looked like a lorry had stopped and was surrounded by people running around and shouting. As we got closer we could see that it was a beer delivery lorry and the people running around were wearing masks and obviously robbing the driver of his load. Thankfully they hadn't seen us so we turned back down the hill as we didn't want to get involved. Just as we set off we heard an almighty bang and turned to see fast moving shapes approaching us on the road. It was barrels David, barrels of beer, careering down towards us. I ran and managed to jump out of the way but my poor beloved Horatio wasn't so lucky. He was already pretty knackered from our quickie in the woods and the trek up the hill had left him puffing for breath. He managed a meagre waddle sideways before the first of the barrels came crashing into him. It immediately knocked him off his feet and sent him sprawling face down onto the road. The first barrel was followed by several others in quick succession. One after another the barrels smashed into him, rolling over his back and crushing him flatter and flatter against the road. I was powerless to do anything as it all happened so quickly. The men who were robbing the lorry ran off, leaving me alone to deal with the horror. I called 999 and tried my best to revive Horatio but to no avail. He was dead. Crushed to death by rolling barrels of beer. He never even drank beer David. He was a Martini man. The only consolation was that for the first time in over 30 years, he had no huge belly. He was slim, all be it a lot wider than before, but slim. He would have loved that :)
So David, that is why I asked if you were drunk when you sent your last email. I simply cannot tolerate anyone who drinks. Alcohol is evil and should be banned forever. It caused the death of my beloved Horatio and I will never ever forget that. I hate to be harsh David but of you are a drinker then our relationship must end here. I do hope you understand this.
Anyway David, back to your dreadfully worded email. Could you please explain what this means as I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about.
"Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please.."
From what I can gather, you have spent rather a lot of money on a suitcase. Was it mail order and it's not arrived? Do you need me to help you get it delivered? What are you trying to win? Have you entered a competition of some kind? I am pretty good at competitions especially the ones where you have to come up with a witty slogan for a product. A few months ago I won a years supply of microwave puddings with the slogan "Spotted dick? You want some cream for that Sir!" Not bad eh? And you want me to get you some honey? Do they not have it in the USA? I am really confused here David. Can you explain what you mean by all this?
Anyway my dear, it is late and I must sleep. Please email me back as soon as you can.
Fond regards
Jenny x x x x x x x
Thank you for your email. I have to admit to finding it pretty hard to decipher as for some reason, your use of the English language was rather dreadful. I am sorry to have to ask you this but were you drunk when you sent it? Please don't take offence at that question but it is very important that I know. I shall now explain why.
You know I am a widow David. Well now seems an appropriate time to explain all about my husbands untimely death. Myself and Horatio had been married for a blissful 15 years. He was the love of my life. We met whilst at the international Walnut carving championships which that year was held in Scotland. He had entered a magnificent miniature of Larry Grayson and I, a wondrous and intricately carved likeness of Les Dawson. We were the talk of the competition and in a never seen before turn of events we were granted joint first place. Oh the joys! Our love blossomed during joint photo shoots and interviews for the Walnut Carvers Review magazine. Happy days indeed David.
Horatio and I quickly knew we were meant to be together and 3 short months later, we married in Fletching Cathedral surrounded by our families and friends. It was a grand affair and we made the front cover of the W.C.R magazine. One of our fellow carvers even made miniatures of us. He did have to use a coconut shell for Horatio as he was a rather portly fellow and simply wouldn't fit on a walnut. Still, it was rather fortuitous as Horatio was excessively hairy.
Anyway, I digress.
We had 15 years of wedded bliss David, 15 years. Most couples these days don't even last 15 months so I consider myself very lucky indeed. Every year on our anniversary, we returned to Scotland to celebrate our love in the place we first met. This one particular night we had been out for a walk in the moonlight and had stopped to observe some local doggers. To this day I don't know how they avoid serious injury from the gear stick. Anyway, after a quickie in the woods, we set off walking back to the hotel. It was quite a walk up a rather steep hill and Horatio was soon out of breath.
In the distance, near the top of the hill we could see some flashing lights and it looked as if someone had broken down. As we got closer, we could see some kind of commotion going on. It looked like a lorry had stopped and was surrounded by people running around and shouting. As we got closer we could see that it was a beer delivery lorry and the people running around were wearing masks and obviously robbing the driver of his load. Thankfully they hadn't seen us so we turned back down the hill as we didn't want to get involved. Just as we set off we heard an almighty bang and turned to see fast moving shapes approaching us on the road. It was barrels David, barrels of beer, careering down towards us. I ran and managed to jump out of the way but my poor beloved Horatio wasn't so lucky. He was already pretty knackered from our quickie in the woods and the trek up the hill had left him puffing for breath. He managed a meagre waddle sideways before the first of the barrels came crashing into him. It immediately knocked him off his feet and sent him sprawling face down onto the road. The first barrel was followed by several others in quick succession. One after another the barrels smashed into him, rolling over his back and crushing him flatter and flatter against the road. I was powerless to do anything as it all happened so quickly. The men who were robbing the lorry ran off, leaving me alone to deal with the horror. I called 999 and tried my best to revive Horatio but to no avail. He was dead. Crushed to death by rolling barrels of beer. He never even drank beer David. He was a Martini man. The only consolation was that for the first time in over 30 years, he had no huge belly. He was slim, all be it a lot wider than before, but slim. He would have loved that :)
So David, that is why I asked if you were drunk when you sent your last email. I simply cannot tolerate anyone who drinks. Alcohol is evil and should be banned forever. It caused the death of my beloved Horatio and I will never ever forget that. I hate to be harsh David but of you are a drinker then our relationship must end here. I do hope you understand this.
Anyway David, back to your dreadfully worded email. Could you please explain what this means as I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about.
"Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please.."
From what I can gather, you have spent rather a lot of money on a suitcase. Was it mail order and it's not arrived? Do you need me to help you get it delivered? What are you trying to win? Have you entered a competition of some kind? I am pretty good at competitions especially the ones where you have to come up with a witty slogan for a product. A few months ago I won a years supply of microwave puddings with the slogan "Spotted dick? You want some cream for that Sir!" Not bad eh? And you want me to get you some honey? Do they not have it in the USA? I am really confused here David. Can you explain what you mean by all this?
Anyway my dear, it is late and I must sleep. Please email me back as soon as you can.
Fond regards
Jenny x x x x x x x
Monday 20 August 2012
You arr my heart,life - a message fromDavid
Well David seems completely unperturbed by my recent arrest. He obviously loves me so much that it doesn't matter. He loves me so much that he has now installed himself as my husband! I also seem to have acquired a child! His spelling and grammar have to be the worst I have ever encountered but he loves me so none of that matters!! Oh, and after dechipering his email, I think he wants me to send him some money. What a surprise!
Hello sweetheart
How are you doing today and i hope you have great and lovely time over there honey..Am so sorry for late reply..am here busy here with Case and the Lawyer and that why am not here with you yet honey..Thanks for your Great and lovely message honey and thanks for your Concern honey..you so sweetie and lovely woman to be with and to spend the rest of my life with,You make me happy when i ready your message and thanks for your Honest honey..I know you always be honest with em bcos you always make me happy anytime any day i read from you honey..I just can't wait to be with you and show you how much you mean to me and what real love is all about In Person honey..You arr my heart,life and everything that happen to me honey..I just don't know what to say or to do now honey Bcos without you my day is not Completed honey..Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please..I just want to work everything out here for good and be with you to have happy family and great time together as husband and wife honey..I always tell your son Jerry you say hi and He Can't wait to meet you and be with you as well..i love you so much honey and please always tell everyone i say hi as well and i love you so much honey...Kiss and hug and please take Good care of your self for me and don't hug or kiss any man till i get back to you bcos i keep my self for you as well honey..i love you always..
Regard
David As your Husband
Hello sweetheart
How are you doing today and i hope you have great and lovely time over there honey..Am so sorry for late reply..am here busy here with Case and the Lawyer and that why am not here with you yet honey..Thanks for your Great and lovely message honey and thanks for your Concern honey..you so sweetie and lovely woman to be with and to spend the rest of my life with,You make me happy when i ready your message and thanks for your Honest honey..I know you always be honest with em bcos you always make me happy anytime any day i read from you honey..I just can't wait to be with you and show you how much you mean to me and what real love is all about In Person honey..You arr my heart,life and everything that happen to me honey..I just don't know what to say or to do now honey Bcos without you my day is not Completed honey..Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please..I just want to work everything out here for good and be with you to have happy family and great time together as husband and wife honey..I always tell your son Jerry you say hi and He Can't wait to meet you and be with you as well..i love you so much honey and please always tell everyone i say hi as well and i love you so much honey...Kiss and hug and please take Good care of your self for me and don't hug or kiss any man till i get back to you bcos i keep my self for you as well honey..i love you always..
Regard
David As your Husband
Saturday 18 August 2012
The pictures of the artwork.
I am sure you will agree these works or art need preserving! Real location is Bradford city centre.
Auntie Doreens onion gravy - a message to David.
I have been so busy (what with appearing on the Fun and Filth Cabaret!!) that David has taken a bit of a back seat these last couple of weeks. The poor man will think I don't love him! I do hope he understands now how important underpasses are in my life!
Hello David
Thank you for your kind message. I am so sorry if I have worried you, that was not my intention.
Remember in my last email I said I was off with the B.U.M (Feltching) group to protest about the proposed development of an underpass in Barnsley? Well, things didn't quite turn out as we had hoped. This particular underpass is one of great artistic significance and I have attached some photos to show you. I am sure you will agree that the artwork down there is superb and definitely warrants preservation.
We all arrived at the site with the intention of talking to the developers and hopefully making them see sense about their silly plans to fill in and build upon the underpass. We were greeted with bulldozers and diggers and lots of burly men in hard hats who had no intention of having a sensible conversation with us. Oh we tried but they just did not want to listen. Sadly, this left us no option but to occupy! I am sure you will have heard of the occupy movement, you living in the USA, as the whole thing started over there on Wall Street. Well there weren't that many of us but what we lacked in numbers, we more than made up for in spirit!
Myself, and the 5 other members of B.U.M (Feltching) ran into the underpass and chained ourselves together, attaching one end of the chain to a conveniently placed hook in the wall. The burly workmen came running in after us, demanding we unchain ourselves immediately. Of course we refused. The boss demanded we gave him the key to the lock and started frisking us. I was actually quite enjoying this then Mr Waite decided that it would be a good idea to swallow the key to the padlock! So, here we were, sat in the underpass, chained and padlocked together with the key nestled firmly in Mr Waite's intestines. One of the workmen commented that it should pass through him in a few hours so they would wait. Mr Waite decided that then would be a good time to mention that he was severely constipated and often only 'went' once a week.
The workmen then went into panic until one of them decided that laxatives were the answer to their problems! The boss ran off to the local chemist and came back with 10 packets of chocolate flavour laxatives and proceeded to try and make Mr Waite eat them. Well he held his mouth firmly shut and not one piece did he swallow. What could they do? It would be classed as assault if they forced him to eat it. So we sat. And we waited. And we waited! After about 2 hours, he started to get a pain in his stomach and decided that taking the laxatives would be a good idea. I still think it wasn't such a good idea to eat 5 packets all in one go though.
We waited a while longer and the workemen were pretty fed up by now. Old Mrs Genders had fallen asleep and was drooling all over Mrs Kleins shoulder, in between snorting snores and intermittent mumbles of "The Rapture is coming, the Rapture." Then all of a sudden, Mr Waite insides gave an almighty rumble. His eyes widened and he shouted "It's coming!" And boy did it ever! I don't think I could ever have envisaged just how much a weeks worth of human waste would spread as it seeped out of his trouser legs. It went everywhere, like a tidal wave of waste, a veritable tsunami of sewage, running down his legs and pooling round his feet in a puddle resembling my Auntie Doreens best onion gravy. Oh my! The stench was overpowering! Even the workmen had now resorted to wearing face masks to try and stop themselves from vomiting. The smell was so bad that it woke old Mrs Genders with such a start that she was totally disorientated and was convinced that the Rapture had happened and she had been taken to the fiery bowels of hell as heaven would never smell so putrid.
The issue of the key still remained. No one was willing to rummage through the stream of excrement and Mr Waite refused to remove his trousers so here we were, several hours later and still in the same position but now surrounded by poo! The supervisor was now so fed up that he had called the local police and they arrived some time after. The officer in charge came over to us, stepped in the excrement, slipped and landed face down in old Mrs Genders lap, much to her excitement. She insisted that she was helping him to his feet but I am not sure that holding the back of his head whilst muttering " I love a man in uniform" really assisted him that much.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, another of the officers produced a set of bolt cutters and within minutes we are all freed. Well not for long, as we were all arrested for a public order offence and taken to the local police station. The press got hold of the story and ran it under the headline of "B.U.M (Fletching) diarrhoea disaster" along with a photo of us all. We were all released with a caution and allowed home the next day.
I stand by what we did David but do regret being arrested. This is why I didn't reply to your previous email. I wasn't sure you would understand. I almost didn't tell you about this incident but I do believe that honesty is the best policy and after all, we were just trying to be good citizens. I have principals David, I am a passionate woman and hope one day you may experience this with me (but minus the poo).
David, please say that you still wish to get to know me. I feel we already have a strong connection and would hate to lose what we have.
Please write back to me soon.
All my love
Jenny x x x x
Hello David
Thank you for your kind message. I am so sorry if I have worried you, that was not my intention.
Remember in my last email I said I was off with the B.U.M (Feltching) group to protest about the proposed development of an underpass in Barnsley? Well, things didn't quite turn out as we had hoped. This particular underpass is one of great artistic significance and I have attached some photos to show you. I am sure you will agree that the artwork down there is superb and definitely warrants preservation.
We all arrived at the site with the intention of talking to the developers and hopefully making them see sense about their silly plans to fill in and build upon the underpass. We were greeted with bulldozers and diggers and lots of burly men in hard hats who had no intention of having a sensible conversation with us. Oh we tried but they just did not want to listen. Sadly, this left us no option but to occupy! I am sure you will have heard of the occupy movement, you living in the USA, as the whole thing started over there on Wall Street. Well there weren't that many of us but what we lacked in numbers, we more than made up for in spirit!
Myself, and the 5 other members of B.U.M (Feltching) ran into the underpass and chained ourselves together, attaching one end of the chain to a conveniently placed hook in the wall. The burly workmen came running in after us, demanding we unchain ourselves immediately. Of course we refused. The boss demanded we gave him the key to the lock and started frisking us. I was actually quite enjoying this then Mr Waite decided that it would be a good idea to swallow the key to the padlock! So, here we were, sat in the underpass, chained and padlocked together with the key nestled firmly in Mr Waite's intestines. One of the workmen commented that it should pass through him in a few hours so they would wait. Mr Waite decided that then would be a good time to mention that he was severely constipated and often only 'went' once a week.
The workmen then went into panic until one of them decided that laxatives were the answer to their problems! The boss ran off to the local chemist and came back with 10 packets of chocolate flavour laxatives and proceeded to try and make Mr Waite eat them. Well he held his mouth firmly shut and not one piece did he swallow. What could they do? It would be classed as assault if they forced him to eat it. So we sat. And we waited. And we waited! After about 2 hours, he started to get a pain in his stomach and decided that taking the laxatives would be a good idea. I still think it wasn't such a good idea to eat 5 packets all in one go though.
We waited a while longer and the workemen were pretty fed up by now. Old Mrs Genders had fallen asleep and was drooling all over Mrs Kleins shoulder, in between snorting snores and intermittent mumbles of "The Rapture is coming, the Rapture." Then all of a sudden, Mr Waite insides gave an almighty rumble. His eyes widened and he shouted "It's coming!" And boy did it ever! I don't think I could ever have envisaged just how much a weeks worth of human waste would spread as it seeped out of his trouser legs. It went everywhere, like a tidal wave of waste, a veritable tsunami of sewage, running down his legs and pooling round his feet in a puddle resembling my Auntie Doreens best onion gravy. Oh my! The stench was overpowering! Even the workmen had now resorted to wearing face masks to try and stop themselves from vomiting. The smell was so bad that it woke old Mrs Genders with such a start that she was totally disorientated and was convinced that the Rapture had happened and she had been taken to the fiery bowels of hell as heaven would never smell so putrid.
The issue of the key still remained. No one was willing to rummage through the stream of excrement and Mr Waite refused to remove his trousers so here we were, several hours later and still in the same position but now surrounded by poo! The supervisor was now so fed up that he had called the local police and they arrived some time after. The officer in charge came over to us, stepped in the excrement, slipped and landed face down in old Mrs Genders lap, much to her excitement. She insisted that she was helping him to his feet but I am not sure that holding the back of his head whilst muttering " I love a man in uniform" really assisted him that much.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, another of the officers produced a set of bolt cutters and within minutes we are all freed. Well not for long, as we were all arrested for a public order offence and taken to the local police station. The press got hold of the story and ran it under the headline of "B.U.M (Fletching) diarrhoea disaster" along with a photo of us all. We were all released with a caution and allowed home the next day.
I stand by what we did David but do regret being arrested. This is why I didn't reply to your previous email. I wasn't sure you would understand. I almost didn't tell you about this incident but I do believe that honesty is the best policy and after all, we were just trying to be good citizens. I have principals David, I am a passionate woman and hope one day you may experience this with me (but minus the poo).
David, please say that you still wish to get to know me. I feel we already have a strong connection and would hate to lose what we have.
Please write back to me soon.
All my love
Jenny x x x x
Wednesday 15 August 2012
He's worried about me - A message from David
Life has been a bit mad here so I haven't got round to replying to David's last email. Blesss him, he's been worried about me!
hello honey..
how are u doing today and i hope u have great and lovely time over there honey..am worry about u bcos i don't hear from u and i hope all is well with u over ther kiss and hug stay coodavid care and i hope to hear from u soon
hello honey..
how are u doing today and i hope u have great and lovely time over there honey..am worry about u bcos i don't hear from u and i hope all is well with u over ther kiss and hug stay coodavid care and i hope to hear from u soon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)