I have been so busy (what with appearing on the Fun and Filth Cabaret!!) that David has taken a bit of a back seat these last couple of weeks. The poor man will think I don't love him! I do hope he understands now how important underpasses are in my life!
Hello David
Thank you for your kind message. I am so sorry if I have worried you, that was not my intention.
Remember
in my last email I said I was off with the B.U.M (Feltching) group to
protest about the proposed development of an underpass in Barnsley?
Well, things didn't quite turn out as we had hoped. This particular
underpass is one of great artistic significance and I have attached some
photos to show you. I am sure you will agree that the artwork down
there is superb and definitely warrants preservation.
We all
arrived at the site with the intention of talking to the developers and
hopefully making them see sense about their silly plans to fill in and
build upon the underpass. We were greeted with bulldozers and diggers
and lots of burly men in hard hats who had no intention of having a
sensible conversation with us. Oh we tried but they just did not want to
listen. Sadly, this left us no option but to occupy! I am sure you will
have heard of the occupy movement, you living in the USA, as the whole
thing started over there on Wall Street. Well there weren't that many of
us but what we lacked in numbers, we more than made up for in spirit!
Myself,
and the 5 other members of B.U.M (Feltching) ran into the underpass and
chained ourselves together, attaching one end of the chain to a
conveniently placed hook in the wall. The burly workmen came running in
after us, demanding we unchain ourselves immediately. Of course we
refused. The boss demanded we gave him the key to the lock and started
frisking us. I was actually quite enjoying this then Mr Waite decided
that it would be a good idea to swallow the key to the padlock! So, here
we were, sat in the underpass, chained and padlocked together with the
key nestled firmly in Mr Waite's intestines. One of the workmen
commented that it should pass through him in a few hours so they would
wait. Mr Waite decided that then would be a good time to mention that he
was severely constipated and often only 'went' once a week.
The
workmen then went into panic until one of them decided that laxatives
were the answer to their problems! The boss ran off to the local chemist
and came back with 10 packets of chocolate flavour laxatives and
proceeded to try and make Mr Waite eat them. Well he held his mouth
firmly shut and not one piece did he swallow. What could they do? It
would be classed as assault if they forced him to eat it. So we sat. And
we waited. And we waited! After about 2 hours, he started to get a pain
in his stomach and decided that taking the laxatives would be a good
idea. I still think it wasn't such a good idea to eat 5 packets all in one go though.
We waited a while longer and the workemen were pretty fed up by now. Old
Mrs Genders had fallen asleep and was drooling all over Mrs Kleins
shoulder, in between snorting snores and intermittent mumbles of "The
Rapture is coming, the Rapture." Then all of a sudden, Mr Waite insides
gave an almighty rumble. His eyes widened and he shouted "It's coming!"
And boy did it ever! I don't think I could ever have envisaged just how
much a weeks worth of human waste would spread as it seeped out of his
trouser legs. It went everywhere, like a tidal wave of waste, a
veritable tsunami of sewage, running down his legs and pooling round his
feet in a puddle resembling my Auntie Doreens best onion gravy. Oh my!
The stench was overpowering! Even the workmen had now resorted to
wearing face masks to try and stop themselves from vomiting. The smell
was so bad that it woke old Mrs Genders with such a start that she was
totally disorientated and was convinced that the Rapture had happened
and she had been taken to the fiery bowels of hell as heaven would never
smell so putrid.
The issue of the key still remained. No one was willing to rummage
through the stream of excrement and Mr Waite refused to remove his
trousers so here we were, several hours later and still in the same
position but now surrounded by poo! The supervisor was now so fed up
that he had called the local police and they arrived some time after.
The officer in charge came over to us, stepped in the excrement,
slipped and landed face down in old Mrs Genders lap, much to her
excitement. She insisted that she was helping him to his feet but I am
not sure that holding the back of his head whilst muttering " I love a
man in uniform" really assisted him that much.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, another of the officers produced a
set of bolt cutters and within minutes we are all freed. Well not for
long, as we were all arrested for a public order offence and taken to
the local police station. The press got hold of the story and ran it
under the headline of "B.U.M (Fletching)
diarrhoea disaster" along with a photo of us all. We were all released with a caution and allowed home the next day.
I stand by what we did David but do regret being arrested. This is why I
didn't reply to your previous email. I wasn't sure you would
understand. I almost didn't tell you about this incident but I do
believe that honesty is the best policy and after all, we were just
trying to be good citizens. I have principals David, I am a passionate woman and hope one day you may experience this with me (but minus the poo).
David, please say that you still wish to get to know me. I feel we
already have a strong connection and would hate to lose what we have.
Please write back to me soon.
All my love
Jenny x x x x
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