Dearest David
Thank you for your email. I have to admit to finding it pretty hard to decipher as for some reason, your use of the English language was rather dreadful. I am sorry to have to ask you this but were you drunk when you sent it? Please don't take offence at that question but it is very important that I know. I shall now explain why.
You know I am a widow David. Well now seems an appropriate time to explain all about my husbands untimely death. Myself and Horatio had been married for a blissful 15 years. He was the love of my life. We met whilst at the international Walnut carving championships which that year was held in Scotland. He had entered a magnificent miniature of Larry Grayson and I, a wondrous and intricately carved likeness of Les Dawson. We were the talk of the competition and in a never seen before turn of events we were granted joint first place. Oh the joys! Our love blossomed during joint photo shoots and interviews for the Walnut Carvers Review magazine. Happy days indeed David.
Horatio and I quickly knew we were meant to be together and 3 short months later, we married in Fletching Cathedral surrounded by our families and friends. It was a grand affair and we made the front cover of the W.C.R magazine. One of our fellow carvers even made miniatures of us. He did have to use a coconut shell for Horatio as he was a rather portly fellow and simply wouldn't fit on a walnut. Still, it was rather fortuitous as Horatio was excessively hairy.
Anyway, I digress.
We had 15 years of wedded bliss David, 15 years. Most couples these days don't even last 15 months so I consider myself very lucky indeed. Every year on our anniversary, we returned to Scotland to celebrate our love in the place we first met. This one particular night we had been out for a walk in the moonlight and had stopped to observe some local doggers. To this day I don't know how they avoid serious injury from the gear stick. Anyway, after a quickie in the woods, we set off walking back to the hotel. It was quite a walk up a rather steep hill and Horatio was soon out of breath.
In the distance, near the top of the hill we could see some flashing lights and it looked as if someone had broken down. As we got closer, we could see some kind of commotion going on. It looked like a lorry had stopped and was surrounded by people running around and shouting. As we got closer we could see that it was a beer delivery lorry and the people running around were wearing masks and obviously robbing the driver of his load. Thankfully they hadn't seen us so we turned back down the hill as we didn't want to get involved. Just as we set off we heard an almighty bang and turned to see fast moving shapes approaching us on the road. It was barrels David, barrels of beer, careering down towards us. I ran and managed to jump out of the way but my poor beloved Horatio wasn't so lucky. He was already pretty knackered from our quickie in the woods and the trek up the hill had left him puffing for breath. He managed a meagre waddle sideways before the first of the barrels came crashing into him. It immediately knocked him off his feet and sent him sprawling face down onto the road. The first barrel was followed by several others in quick succession. One after another the barrels smashed into him, rolling over his back and crushing him flatter and flatter against the road. I was powerless to do anything as it all happened so quickly. The men who were robbing the lorry ran off, leaving me alone to deal with the horror. I called 999 and tried my best to revive Horatio but to no avail. He was dead. Crushed to death by rolling barrels of beer. He never even drank beer David. He was a Martini man. The only consolation was that for the first time in over 30 years, he had no huge belly. He was slim, all be it a lot wider than before, but slim. He would have loved that :)
So David, that is why I asked if you were drunk when you sent your last email. I simply cannot tolerate anyone who drinks. Alcohol is evil and should be banned forever. It caused the death of my beloved Horatio and I will never ever forget that. I hate to be harsh David but of you are a drinker then our relationship must end here. I do hope you understand this.
Anyway David, back to your dreadfully worded email. Could you please explain what this means as I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about.
"Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please.."
From what I can gather, you have spent rather a lot of money on a suitcase. Was it mail order and it's not arrived? Do you need me to help you get it delivered? What are you trying to win? Have you entered a competition of some kind? I am pretty good at competitions especially the ones where you have to come up with a witty slogan for a product. A few months ago I won a years supply of microwave puddings with the slogan "Spotted dick? You want some cream for that Sir!" Not bad eh? And you want me to get you some honey? Do they not have it in the USA? I am really confused here David. Can you explain what you mean by all this?
Anyway my dear, it is late and I must sleep. Please email me back as soon as you can.
Fond regards
Jenny x x x x x x x
Thank you for your email. I have to admit to finding it pretty hard to decipher as for some reason, your use of the English language was rather dreadful. I am sorry to have to ask you this but were you drunk when you sent it? Please don't take offence at that question but it is very important that I know. I shall now explain why.
You know I am a widow David. Well now seems an appropriate time to explain all about my husbands untimely death. Myself and Horatio had been married for a blissful 15 years. He was the love of my life. We met whilst at the international Walnut carving championships which that year was held in Scotland. He had entered a magnificent miniature of Larry Grayson and I, a wondrous and intricately carved likeness of Les Dawson. We were the talk of the competition and in a never seen before turn of events we were granted joint first place. Oh the joys! Our love blossomed during joint photo shoots and interviews for the Walnut Carvers Review magazine. Happy days indeed David.
Horatio and I quickly knew we were meant to be together and 3 short months later, we married in Fletching Cathedral surrounded by our families and friends. It was a grand affair and we made the front cover of the W.C.R magazine. One of our fellow carvers even made miniatures of us. He did have to use a coconut shell for Horatio as he was a rather portly fellow and simply wouldn't fit on a walnut. Still, it was rather fortuitous as Horatio was excessively hairy.
Anyway, I digress.
We had 15 years of wedded bliss David, 15 years. Most couples these days don't even last 15 months so I consider myself very lucky indeed. Every year on our anniversary, we returned to Scotland to celebrate our love in the place we first met. This one particular night we had been out for a walk in the moonlight and had stopped to observe some local doggers. To this day I don't know how they avoid serious injury from the gear stick. Anyway, after a quickie in the woods, we set off walking back to the hotel. It was quite a walk up a rather steep hill and Horatio was soon out of breath.
In the distance, near the top of the hill we could see some flashing lights and it looked as if someone had broken down. As we got closer, we could see some kind of commotion going on. It looked like a lorry had stopped and was surrounded by people running around and shouting. As we got closer we could see that it was a beer delivery lorry and the people running around were wearing masks and obviously robbing the driver of his load. Thankfully they hadn't seen us so we turned back down the hill as we didn't want to get involved. Just as we set off we heard an almighty bang and turned to see fast moving shapes approaching us on the road. It was barrels David, barrels of beer, careering down towards us. I ran and managed to jump out of the way but my poor beloved Horatio wasn't so lucky. He was already pretty knackered from our quickie in the woods and the trek up the hill had left him puffing for breath. He managed a meagre waddle sideways before the first of the barrels came crashing into him. It immediately knocked him off his feet and sent him sprawling face down onto the road. The first barrel was followed by several others in quick succession. One after another the barrels smashed into him, rolling over his back and crushing him flatter and flatter against the road. I was powerless to do anything as it all happened so quickly. The men who were robbing the lorry ran off, leaving me alone to deal with the horror. I called 999 and tried my best to revive Horatio but to no avail. He was dead. Crushed to death by rolling barrels of beer. He never even drank beer David. He was a Martini man. The only consolation was that for the first time in over 30 years, he had no huge belly. He was slim, all be it a lot wider than before, but slim. He would have loved that :)
So David, that is why I asked if you were drunk when you sent your last email. I simply cannot tolerate anyone who drinks. Alcohol is evil and should be banned forever. It caused the death of my beloved Horatio and I will never ever forget that. I hate to be harsh David but of you are a drinker then our relationship must end here. I do hope you understand this.
Anyway David, back to your dreadfully worded email. Could you please explain what this means as I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about.
"Am trying my best getting the money But I work Nothing Out yet honey..and I have spend alot Of Money On the Case and that why i really wnat to win it honey..I know what life is all about and hwo you feel over there as well honey..But please and please honey..I really want you to try your best and everything you can do and get me any amount from this money and i promise never let you dawn honey...I don't Mind any amount you can get me honey..Please.."
From what I can gather, you have spent rather a lot of money on a suitcase. Was it mail order and it's not arrived? Do you need me to help you get it delivered? What are you trying to win? Have you entered a competition of some kind? I am pretty good at competitions especially the ones where you have to come up with a witty slogan for a product. A few months ago I won a years supply of microwave puddings with the slogan "Spotted dick? You want some cream for that Sir!" Not bad eh? And you want me to get you some honey? Do they not have it in the USA? I am really confused here David. Can you explain what you mean by all this?
Anyway my dear, it is late and I must sleep. Please email me back as soon as you can.
Fond regards
Jenny x x x x x x x
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